Life is scary. It feels scarier right now. The stakes are higher. The responsibilities are a lot daunting. I have no choice but to be more dauntless and determined.
This year is challenging. It feels like a crash course in accounting, data science, and operations management. You see, I did not think I’ll be in this position, but the challenge exhilarates me. Every day is a battle, every second is critical. It can get tiring and frustrating at times, but results are very rewarding. Between the decks, spreadsheets, and policy drafts, here I am doing the best I can (while crossing my fingers in the hopes that I don’t fuck up.).
I am grateful that I work with a very promising team and with awesome colleagues. I really appreciate the fact that we could work while laughing together and laughing at each other. Sure there are non-stop work, sleepless nights, frustrating mornings, and impossible tasks. But here we are, looking forward to a time when everything is working as it is supposed to.
It would be convenient for me to blame all these sudden flow of emotions to the painmeds I am taking for the past two weeks. But somehow, I think that these could be real.
I am pissed seeing myself in this situation: A situation I so carefully practiced to avoid. There were escape plans and contingency measures in place so that as soon as the first signs appeared, I know what to do. But all of them were thrown down the bin. I don’t know when. I don’t know how.
It will be easy for me to let myself fall freely. “Just go with the flow,” so they say. “There’s no safe bet. Just try.” But I am never the try person. I carefully study the situation and put on some barricades to protect myself. As you may have already known, the last time I let myself fall, it ended up with a violent, public breakup. I was broken, and I think I still am.
So here I am writing this blogpost, knowing fully that as soon as I publish this, I will expose myself in to a whirlwind of chatter. I am supposed to be the non-empathetic, cold-hearted bitch. This kind of drama should be avoided. But seriously, I am confused. I really don’t know what to do at this point. It bothers me so badly.
This is a public cry for clarity. You know who you are. If everything was just a game, let me know so I can quit as soon as I can. If everything is real, let me know so we can lay all our cards at the table.
Wrote this exactly a month ago. I laid my cards flat, but the dismissal and non-answers could never have been clearer. Nothing to lose now, I guess. Back to square one, again.
I could have been a doctor, or a lawyer. I could have been in a better place. Or may be not.
The fact is, I am the product of my choices, of my mistakes, of my regrets, and of my decisions. The fact is, I have never imagined myself to be in my disposition right now because I still believe I deserve less. My mistakes and my sins used to define me. Somehow, however, I learned to let go and just go with the flow
It may be true that I am stabler, more grounded right now. I think I have matured. I think I have learned not to fight all the battles I run in to. I’d like to think that way. But who knows. Everything is temporary, everything is only for now (so says Avenue Q).
Let’s just say I am happy where I am. I think I got lucky being in a place where I am supposed to be. Life is a lot brighter: There are so many things to look forward to. No other way but to go forward, #GoHigher.