On Turning 20

I have a wisdom tooth and in 9 days, I will be turning 20.

Since last year, I have always been afraid of turning 20. It bothers me that I will not be a teenager anymore, therefore I am not that young anymore, therefore naivete would not be an excuse for me, therefore I have no choice.

I know the previous paragraph-sentence is a slippery slope ( a post hoc ergo propter hoc for those of you who wishes to be smart) but I do not care. After all, I cannot justify this irrational fear of turning 20.

GeloLopez at 5. With father, stepmother and half-brother

Last year I wrote that I am afraid of turning 20 because of a childhood wasted. I felt, and I still do, that I did not have an amazing childhood to cherish. All I had was a troubled past made dirtier by many unfortunate events and drastic decisions. I wish not to be regretful as I have been convincing myself that I am a victim of most of my past. But here I am today, regretful, telling myself all the I-should-had’s. Here I am today– afraid of turning twenty plainly because I am regretful of the past which I still have to figure out who’s to blame for it.

Moving on is really really hard for me. I always have been too harsh to myself. I terrorize my own self in a desperate feat to keep my ego and pride. My pride is all I have, and it is always hard for me to compromise it with the reality.

Yes I am a troubled person. I still have to figure out how to salvage myself.

And on turning 20: I am still afraid of it.

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4 thoughts on “On Turning 20

  1. Great post here. Very honest. Very real.

    Now that you are turning 20, I hope you have already learned to cope with the struggles of the past. It may be hard, it may be heart-wrenching, but it will always be better to start with a clean slate and move forward.

    It’s so nice to read your posts here. I’ll backread on that post you mentioned about your wasted childhood. 🙂

    • Not yet 20. I still have 5 days to enjoy my teen-age life. I might have not moved on yet with my past but I am trying to move forward one step at a time. 🙂 Thanks Jay! 🙂

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