I have a wisdom tooth and in 9 days, I will be turning 20.
Since last year, I have always been afraid of turning 20. It bothers me that I will not be a teenager anymore, therefore I am not that young anymore, therefore naivete would not be an excuse for me, therefore I have no choice.
I know the previous paragraph-sentence is a slippery slope ( a post hoc ergo propter hoc for those of you who wishes to be smart) but I do not care. After all, I cannot justify this irrational fear of turning 20.
Last year I wrote that I am afraid of turning 20 because of a childhood wasted. I felt, and I still do, that I did not have an amazing childhood to cherish. All I had was a troubled past made dirtier by many unfortunate events and drastic decisions. I wish not to be regretful as I have been convincing myself that I am a victim of most of my past. But here I am today, regretful, telling myself all the I-should-had’s. Here I am today– afraid of turning twenty plainly because I am regretful of the past which I still have to figure out who’s to blame for it.
Moving on is really really hard for me. I always have been too harsh to myself. I terrorize my own self in a desperate feat to keep my ego and pride. My pride is all I have, and it is always hard for me to compromise it with the reality.
Yes I am a troubled person. I still have to figure out how to salvage myself.
And on turning 20: I am still afraid of it.