Seemingly lost but happily wandering

PS: Before you read this, please play this in the background


*****

1:29 AM. I am still awake. I am always still up during these times. A self-diagnosed insomniac with a stream of thoughts would always be up by this time. But here I am, writing this post because I know honestly that nothing very particular is currently in my mind. In these times, you know that I try so hard to be Julie Powell– hey, who does not want that spontaneity?!

Living alone has it’s own perks: I get to control the course of my own life, uninhibited by the extended family I used to live with. They are really controlling and I do not want to submit to their kind of lifestyle of playing the underdog. I want to take control of the course of my life and here I am right now, the captain of my own ship. Yes, I am struggling and I always go short, but nothing is more important to me than having this type of freedom: freedom from a heckling, dim-witted brother, abusive father, blabber mouth of a grandmother and parasitic aunts and cousins.

Yes, I can be really sharp-tongued when it comes to them. To tell you honestly, I don’t get to say it unless I write about it. I am coward in real life. I avoid confrontation when I always make it to a point that I am conversationally argumentative when I write. That is the reason that I choose to stay away from them, because I can only protect myself when I am away. I don’t get to be bullied and nothing is being taken away from me. I have always dreamed of living alone and here I am, living the dream.

One day, I will look back at this particular point in my life: seemingly lost but happily wandering. I just realized that I found a good way to describe where I am right now (the last five words of the previous sentence). I just need to hold on. Just hold on.

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