July 27, 2013
I spent 24 hours reading John Green’s Looking for Alaska. Reading the book is a great experience for me. K saw me reading the book earlier this morning, I said that the book is really funny (I was at the first part of the book then. But here I am now, midnight, writing this book log with tears just about to fall from my eyes but they simply won’t. In fact, there are so many thing I want to say but I think, I will be needing to reread Pudge’s final paper…
The tears stayed just where they were about to fall, and they still didn’t. I feel that the most beautiful thing about this book– ignoring the fact that I am writing this with my pen almost dying on me– is that sense of longing it left me. I long to answer the same question Alaska had been asking: How do I get out of this labyrinth of despair?
I am in my 20s, got a good career so far but I still find myself occasionally stuck in despair. Miles Halter dreamt of non-existence; I dream of the fame and all the glitz it accompanies. I somewhat achieved a certain extent of that, but I am still in this labyrinth. I run and run and run away, thinking that running is the easiest way out only to find out that I find myself lost deeper in the maze. Will I ever get out? I do not have the answer for that, maybe I will not have the answer for that, maybe we won’t; but I still hope that I will. Miles finally pinpointed his cause for hope. For me, I know there is, but I still can’t figure that out.
But the Old Man talked about despair and desire and how they usually go together. Despair is a by-product of desire, he said. And maybe it is the same big desire of mine that keeps giving me this same despair. About this same time last year, I was lost– but I know for a fact that I am in a better disposition right now. And this cycle of greatness and downfall makes me think that there will be something better for me soon enough.
A little thought on last words.
Miles Halter is big with last words. Thinking about this and my situation makes me think that I will die, for sure, seeing the dawn (unlike Elias of Noli Me Tangere).
PS. Thank you Aubrey for letting me borrow this wonderful book. 🙂