Unpublished Post: The Spiral Down

It would be convenient for me to blame all these sudden flow of emotions to the painmeds I am taking for the past two weeks. But somehow, I think that these could be real.

I am pissed seeing myself in this situation: A situation I so carefully practiced to avoid. There were escape plans and contingency measures in place so that as soon as the first signs appeared, I know what to do. But all of them were thrown down the bin. I don’t know when. I don’t know how.

It will be easy for me to let myself fall freely. “Just go with the flow,” so they say. “There’s no safe bet. Just try.” But I am never the try person. I carefully study the situation and put on some barricades to protect myself. As you may have already known, the last time I let myself fall, it ended up with a violent, public breakup. I was broken, and I think I still am.

So here I am writing this blogpost, knowing fully that as soon as I publish this, I will expose myself in to a whirlwind of chatter. I am supposed to be the non-empathetic, cold-hearted bitch. This kind of drama should be avoided. But seriously, I am confused. I really don’t know what to do at this point. It bothers me so badly.

This is a public cry for clarity. You know who you are. If everything was just a game, let me know so I can quit as soon as I can. If everything is real, let me know so we can lay all our cards at the table.

Wrote this exactly a month ago. I laid my cards flat, but the dismissal and non-answers could never have been clearer. Nothing to lose now, I guess. Back to square one, again. 

XO

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