[MUSIC] If I Die Young, Cover by Naya Rivera

I always have these images recurring in my mind. I would either die young or fade into the grayness of old life, down with Alzheimers– alone perhaps if ever I am very unfortunate. I don’t really know if I have to be bothered by these rather gruesome images; but then again, whenever you don’t really know what to do with your life I guess dealing with these occasional dark depressive moments is the inevitable.  I am in my 20s and the chance of me dying young gets slimmer as each day passes. One thing I am sure though is, like Voldemort, I fear of ceasing to exist.

But I don’t really know what to do with it. All I know is that this moment was triggered by the latest episode of Glee (which by the way had some good covers). You see, all I have is potential and I still have more to prove. The thing is though, I do not seem to get the support I needed. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. You look out there, you see different possibilities; and then I turn to the mirror and all I see is myself, lost.

I know I did this to myself, and I do not need to put the blame to someone. This is what growing up means, owning my own faults to myself. I guess this is one of the best things that happened to me– growing up. Maturity. And I hope other people around me would get a little dose of it. In fact, I know someone who spent a good sixty years walking around this world without getting a sense of maturity. I guess I have been lucky. At least I get to own up. At least I can live the rest of my life without the burden of immaturity at my back.

At least, I have a take away. A valuable one, that is.

What if my brother has dyslexia?

I caught Glee again last night and it was the episode where Ryder was diagnosed with dyslexia. That episode made me think since I first saw it a couple of weeks ago.

I have always teased my brother for being stupid. When we were growing up, I had almost no patient in teaching him in his homework and lessons. I was always the bright one– I didn’t need a tutor way back then. I get my lessons right away and I didn’t need to study for exams because I know I would pass the test and get the highest scores in class. My brother, on the other hand, didn’t like studying. He preferred to watch TV and play outside (who does not), and it is such a chore for him to study. There was a time that we couldn’t find a tutor for him so I ended up as his tutor.

Every time we sat together to deal with his homework, I almost always ran out of patience.He had a hard time reading, I always knew that because he couldn’t read quitely. He had to mumble the words he is reading. I almost always pushed to the point that I would yell at him and call me names. STUPID. Tanga. Bobo. Hindi Marunong.  I even taunted him all the time when he annoys me. Those are hard words and I always did that. He graduated high school, luckily, but I do think he has difficulty in reading (His messages to me were like ‘bisaya’, i replaced by e, o with u etc, even though we both grew up here in Manila).

There is a huge gap between me and my brother right now. He knows how to really annoy me. I want to annoy him but I cannot, so instead of losing my patience, and end up crying during our argument (I cry when I am really angry), I just don’t want to be with him. I rarely go home at our house in Bulacan. I do not plan to stay there for longer than two days. I think that gap between us is because of my name-calling and taunting.

That Glee episode made me think: What if my brother has an undiagnosed dyslexia? To be fair with him, he is street smart. He can be more witty than me. What if I taunted him too hard that he gave up trying at all. I feel guilt right now.

I feel sad.